When you came back into my life, it was in a very unlikely circumstance. We were older and I thought of myself as wiser.
I took the chance of getting closer to you for I was confident that I was in control of myself. What was past is past as they would say. I am in love with someone else now and you are also committed to another, so there’s nothing to be afraid of, its just friendship rebuilt.
Playing in the background a song entitled “maybe this time” by Michael Martin Murphey
“Two old friends meet again wearing older faces… maybe this time it will be lovin they’ll find maybe now they can be more than just friends she is back in his arms and it feels so right….”
Then unfortunately we fell victims of our own emotion. Once again we saw each other more than friends do or should I say, we realised that what we had before was stronger now even if we knew that our recent situation would not make it simple.
AGAIN, you were committed to someone else.
All those times we had together, we always tried to stop ourselves from feeding the feelings we felt for each other but every time we imprisoned those feelings, we always end up a failure.
We knew that what we felt was right. Together we were happy, we could have fought for it. You were willing to marry me and I was willing to accept it. You talk deciding to leave her because of me, because you knew life will be happier with the one you love. YOU SAID YOU WERE deciding to make that turn in your life.
It was all I could ask for.
You and I having this second chance in love.
YOU LOVE ME AND I LOVE YOU.
What more can we ask for?!
As the movie la la land asked their viewers.
Would love be enough?!
Then again reality bites. It slaps you in the face so hard, that you wake up from the dream world.
That night during our conversation, you trying to propose a life with me in exchange of the life she was giving to you, I realised that something was wrong. I couldn't say yes to you. I couldn't jump for joy, even if it was all I ever wanted.
I couldn’t bear seeing the man I so love decide to cleave to me just because I was there. I couldn’t allow myself to break him more because I agreed to him. I couldn’t allow myself to say yes to him and thus would lead me to impeding his personal, emotional growth and spiritual growth. I couldn’t just say yes to his offer and forget what I have learned morally and spiritually and see him my whole lifetime regret that one decision when we both knew we hurt someone because we just thought of the love that we have for each other.
So i said NO!
It was heartbreaking. He pleaded. I still stood firm.
I told him if you decide to leave her. Make that decision not because of me for it is just not right. I will not accept that offer as much as I want to. I will not accept that proposal but I will always be here as your best friend. WE PARTED WAYS that night. Me with the hope he will decide in favour of me even if I didn't give the emotional security he so wanted for his decision. Our last conversation on the phone: I told Him to have courage and faith and everything will be well. Then I heard his voice crumbling and he said "I am so afraid of my future" when I heard those words I almost cried because I just knew deep down that whatever strong feelings and whatever happiness in the spiritual sphere we have felt for each other, I just knew it was not enough to make him stay. She has offered him plans of the future together, financial growth and security in status and in their relationship. While I, only offered him a chance to rebuild and an opportunity to grow with me, together in a place we have long made a goal back when we were younger. After that phone conversation he was gone. Nothing is said of him. And i just knew he chose security, commitment, over emotions, bliss and a simple yet better life. I let him be.. again for the N<sup>th</sup> time. I cried each night knowing I have lost him again, because we were so concern for others welfare than our own. I have yet again to move on with pain but without resentment. The whole time we had together I really thought that he was sent to me, because he needs fixing and I am the only instrument who could help him, but when he left I also realise that as much as he needs fixing I also was at lost. I never thought of myself needing a repair in life. He would always say that maybe he was sent back to my life to be a stumbling block for me not to be able to see the real guy meant for me, the one they call "the better man" and because he is so broken he alone refuses the idea that he can be that "better man". He wouldn't even accept the thought that he can still stand up and be that better man for me if he wants to. NOW EVERYTHING IS up too HIM. It's now in his choice. If only he could see how I see his great potential, of what he could be if he would work it out.
Now i want to say this to him too:
I know now that he was also sent to me so that I would realise that i am not building myself to become a“better woman” i had some fixing to do too. A lot of fixing I supposed and that to decide to be together in our curcumstance will only cause a lot of damage and pain in the long run, which will in turn destroy what we have right now.
Now I still long for his love.I still and will always love him and I am just sure he will do the same, but we will yet again walked a diffrent path. A path that will lead us to a better destination. I may never know if the destination we are heading would allow us to cross again and rekindle what we always have given up for others. I wouldnt know if the paths we will choose separately will lead us together one day because the second chance we had now, awakened us to become a better person. Whatever our destiny... its up to our decision. It will be again a roller coaster journey for both us apart but i hope this time you and me will be wiser and will be choosing what is right.
I never thought that the love song of barry manilow that ive heard a thousand times when i was younger would be so applicable to me now.
” we had the right love at the wrong time, guess i always knew inside that i will not have you for a long time”
But as the song goes..
“sometimes goodbyes are not forever,
it doesnt matter if you are gone, i still believe in us together.
I understand more than you think i can.
You have to go out on your own, so u can find your way back home.
Because somewhere down the road, i know that heart of yours will come to see that you belong with me.
Letting go is just another way to say : “I’ll always LOVE YOU SO.
MAYBE THE SONG WAS RIGHT:
WE HAD THE RIGHT LOVE at THE WRONG TIME, Maybe we’ve only just begun Maybe the best is yet to come.
I have always thought that second chances are rare opportunity given to some but because i believe in a more divine power i know that there are no such things as second chances.. because what is given to us are CHANCES.. a lot of it.. a lot of them.
I dont believe in fate but I have a firm understanding of destiny. Each choices we make in this life determines the destiny where we like to arrive. If we know what destination we would like to end up it will guide each us with each decision we make.
I don’t believe in luck, because whatever i had was not because I was lucky. It was because I exercised Faith to a more powerful being and I worked for it….and as long as I have that faith… I know that miracles will always happen in my life.
I still dont know what the future holds for me and for him or for us. I wouldn't know if he would try to work out for us or that he will decide to totally be gone...All I know right now is that I can now answer the question his girlfriend asked me that early dawn.
“Do you love him?”
My answer is
I love Him, enough to let him go once again and be selfless, for him to grow and to learn and to discover his own strength.
I love him enough to let him go even if it means he will be with you. Even if it means ill be seeing him happy with you
I love him more than you do, because I chose to let go….. for I know that you love him and that he chose you.
And that is my story.